Responding to "those looks"

As parents of a son with Aspergers Disorder, my husband and I have learned a valuable skill that many parents don't get the opportunity to exercise... I call it the "respond and explain" maneuver. Some parents use "shock and awe" or "smile and ignore" with their kids. But our maneuver is invaluable when we see other parents watching our son with "That Look". You know, the one where you know they are thinking.. "What is WRONG with that child?" or maybe even... "What is WRONG with his parents?"

Over the past 2 years since we have received his diagnosis, and even months prior, (he is now 6) we endured many judging glances, subtle criticisms and even the blatant reprimands from strangers regarding our sons behavior. Its not always easy to know when to explain to a stranger why your son has inappropriately touched their belt buckle with curious enthusiasm. Or, when walking into a Dr.'s waiting room, he leaps dramatically into the center of the room, arms outstretched, and yells, "Super Zach is here!" (and expects to get a standing ovation!)

Most of the time, especially when dealing with strangers, my husband and I let it go. Why, we think, should we have to defend our child at every turn? But then there are the times when I want to whisper, "Its because he has Aspergers..." hoping to get a sympathetic nodding of the head, like now they understand.

More often that not, even when I have "given in" to the judging glances from others, and try to explain his behavior before he is labelled obnoxious, I have not been received with that gracious nod of understanding. More often than not, I'm met with a blank stare of confusion or sometimes a "well, that's no excuse" type attitude.

So, for now, we choose to wait it out. If its a situation where someone will have more than a few interactions with our son, we use the "respond and explain" move. Generally, we try to respond to whatever socially inappropriate action he has made, gently correct or explain to him and have him try it again with that person. Then , we explain TO THE ADULT why we have done that, or that he has some "special needs" - the catch all phrase that doesn't give too much detail. Then , if it is a close friend, neighbor, someone from church, etc... we may at the appropriate time share details.

I know there have been times when I misjudged and gave someone personal info about our son prematurely, to protect my pride. Other times, I have held back, when giving more detail about his diagnosis may have benefited or even protected him. I just pray, ask God for wisdom, and try to discern each situation individually. And in the process, I always try to remember to love my child unconditionally, to appreciate all his quirky behaviors and the innocence of his perceptions (or lack of them!)

Are you the parent of a "special needs child" that doesn't outwardly appear to have "special needs?" How do you deal with explaining your child's behavior to others?


Here are some sites for some brief, easy-to-understand explanations on Aspergers Disorder:
http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/aswhatisit.html

http://www.baltimorepsych.com/aspergers.htm

http://www.aacap.org/cs/root/facts_for_families/aspergers_disorder